I took this photograph when I was recording an audition for college admissions. Upon arriving at my friend’s house, who was recording like a studio for me, I realized I did not bring my music stand. I found a pair of chopsticks and rashly taped them to the back of my sheet music to create a makeshift music stand. From the front, my music was held up and I was able to perform for the recording. It was functional enough. But from the back, the tape was an improvised mess.

So much of my life has often felt this way where I would curate a certain image of myself while underneath it all, I felt like pieces of me were taped and barely held together. Just like with the music, how I express my gender and desire is a performance, and the world is my audience. I can put on a front, executing it beautifully, but still know that it is not authentic.

Sometimes, improvising is the most meaningful act of resilience that one can do.