Identity Crisis

This photo is titled Identity Crisis. In this photo, you see me with makeup literally on half my face and a hand that we are going to pretend is not my own. In this photo, my makeup and the lighting are a specific color. I chose the lesbian flag. And basically, I have been going through a bit of an identity crisis lately. My friend invited me to the sapphic space and it specifically said it included trans masc people, non-binary people, and trans femmes who feel aligned with sapphicness and just I had this realization that “Oh, I'm not a man.” And this could apply to me. Because over the years, I thought sapphicness and lesbianism could not really apply to me because I am a man. But... I'm not. I have realized over the years that I am trans. I'm a trans femme person. I am a non-binary trans femme person who has been on estrogen for like five months now. And starting estrogen has been literally one of the greatest things I could have ever done for myself. And sort of just like realizing that “Oh, I'm not a man, so sapphicness can apply to me.” Like, me low-key realizing that, “oh, oh, this, this can apply to me. I guess I can be sapphic.” Just me going through a bit of identity crisis. Because I didn't ever think this was going to be an option for me. And that me worried about exploring this part of my identity. Because I'm a woman, but I'm a trans woman. And at that, I'm a clocky trans woman. I have features that don't fit cis beauty standards. I don't think me being clocky makes me ugly. I feel like I should make that clear. I'm a beautiful woman, but I'm a beautiful woman and I have clocky features. Those don't contradict. And that there are cis women who don't fit cis beauty standards. And I just want to make that clear. But I still have this worry inside. That what if I go in this space and they just see a man. Even though that's not who I am. And I know it's transphobic bullshit, to say that women are only defined by their genitals and that it does a disservice to women to describe them by something that's so small, so insignificant as their genitals. And that women are so much more than genitals or their ability to reproduce. And I do know this for a fact. And that to define women by that does a disservice to all women everywhere. That they are so much more complicated than that. And that is one of the beauties of womanhood. But a little, like, transphobic voice in my head says that. And all my worrying... I'm not worried whether or not I like women or wondering that. I'm worried whether people see me as a woman. And that... I do feel like I love women. Not in a sexual way because none of my love is in a sexual way. But... Looking at a woman's lips. Seeing them, how they're shaped. Seeing how it's made. I do feel like there's a beauty to that. This photo, the primary feature is my lips. And it’s supposed to represent my relationship to transness. And I have my features in here. I made sure not to shave for this photo shoot. So you can see my facial hair. And I even put like a little on it. Look you're getting it. Because it did not wash out. To show my facial hair. And basically have this color scheme with it. And that even though I have hair on my body, that doesn't make me not a woman. And that doesn't make me any less valid in my transness. and that I do feel like I deserve to explore, and that I want to explore this part of myself, by saying, “oh, this is an option I can explore,” but there's still this fear, even though I am a beautiful woman, and that's a fact, even if there's like trans misogyny bullshit that I have to deal with even this one trans guy I was hanging out with um he uses he/she pronouns and was this butch like identified as a butch lesbian and was like trans masc and she was was like very into the lesbian community and talked about it a lot and was like trans himself. And he had the gall to tell me that the hair on my legs made me ugly as a trans woman, but that hair on cis women's legs is attractive. And, like, sort of just worried that if I enter this space of, like, women loving women or this space of sapphicness, that maybe that I'm going to be held to a higher standard than other women. Because of my transness and that I'm not going to be loved as a non-man, as a woman, as a person who has a feminine soul or loving another person. who has a soul that is woman, that is feminine, that is not a man, and that I have the option to love someone who's not a man as someone who's also not a man. Thank you for coming to my identity crisis. I should really send this to my therapist.